If I were elected President of the SBC...

...I would...

a. Show up at the press conference with those fake buck teeth in.

b. Call Class of '88 "Mr. Most Likely to Succeed" and ask what's goin' on in his life these days.

c. Inform the newly elected 2nd Vice President that his job at the convention, during all business sessions, is to make sure that all the restrooms are fully supplied, thereby ensuring that the most widely asked question of the San Antonio Convention would not be "Who was the genius that suggested we should be in San Antonio in June?" but would be "Where's Wiley?"

d. Buy a ranch out West somewhere so I can chop wood and ride horses for the media.

e. Take Bobby's old bus and beg the producers of MTV's "Pimp My Ride" to transform it...with Al Mohler's mug on the side, right beside the text "Tonight on Larry King"

f. Donate the newly pimped SBC Bus to the Southern Baptist Historical Library and Archives for posterity.

g. Get a custom equipped Boeing 747-200B and call it SBC-1.

h. Urge Hayes Wicker to really draw the theologues to San Antonio with
"Mohler/Patterson II: the Cage Match"

i. Issue a statement titled "Patterson's Left Hook: the Truth about Mohler's Supposed Cornea Surgery Before Greensboro"

j. Use my childrens' toy mallet as a gavel when people start acting childish.

k. Conclude my Introduction of whichever politician the Bush administration sends to San Antonio with these words: "And it is my great privelege to inform you that in an unprecedented display of gratitude for our Convention's unwavering loyalty to the Republican party, our next speaker just pledged to give 10% of his/her gross income to the Cooperative Program!"

l. Grant clemency to Wade Burleson.